I tried to get the feature image from the home page in the post and managed to get myself onto a “Sex Dating in Longmont” site. So sorry. No image for us today.
I decided that 2013 would be the year that I focus on being healthy rather than skinny. For the past month I’ve been waxing eloquent about how much better a health focus has been for me than a body image focus. I’ve set goals that pertain to health and wellness, not on how big or little I am. It’s quite a romantic notion, and it was going great for a few weeks.
I had a bit of a reality check this weekend.
I’ve mentioned how I don’t weight myself. Well, for BioSignature, you do have to weight yourself on the day of the assessment in order to calculate your measurements. I, of course, have become so detached that I didn’t weigh myself upon waking (before drinking any water, eating anything, or donning clothes) so I had to weigh myself at the gym. They have one of those old school scales that you have to slide the weights on. I don’t like those. If I’m going to subject myself to weighing I don’t want to have to push a little box higher… and higher… and HIGHER?!… to get to my number. Whatever. So I weighed myself, and I was a good 4 pounds up from last time.
Panic and despair immediately set in. What!? What. How? Why? What do you mean I’ve GONE UP? My food has been on point. I’ve actually be getting to the gym with some regularity. And minus one short-lived foray with a jar of Cacao Bliss, I’ve barely eaten sugar in the last two weeks! These thoughts came and went through my mind in about .33 seconds, at which point I said, out loud “No. I am not attached to that number.” My trainer was in the room with me, and he actually laughed a little, because he knows my tumultuous relationship with the scale. I was able to tell him the figure, and put it out of my mind for about 6 mintues.
“Up? I can’t believe I’ve gone – NO! I will not freak out about this!” I unconsciously started back on the subject, out load. More chuckling ensued.
In reality, my body fat percentage had gone down in the past two weeks. There was no need for a freak out.
But it forced me to think really critically about my behavior this month since I started my focus on health. Have I really detached from my body image? Absolutely not. I started to recall that at least once a day in the month of January, I’ve pulled my shirt up to examine my abs:
Are they flattening? I think so. Definitely better than after BeerFest 2012 in December. But are they going down enough? Sigh. Why can’t I have Julie Foucher’s abs?
Or the number of times I pinched my love handles:
Certainly these are going down. They better be, dammit.
That behavior is not conducive to the health focus I’m trying to have. That is body image focused behavior. Freaking out when confronted by a scale number I don’t like is body image focused behavior.
So moral of the story is, I’m not there yet. I’ve been attached to my body image for a good twenty years, and three weeks isn’t going to change it completely. For now my goal is to be mindful of when I start thinking about my weight, or love handles, or belly. When I do, just acknowledge that feeling and put it aside. A had a lovely commenter earlier today say that it is much better to think about gaining things than losing things (like weight). That comment resonated so strongly with me, and I’m so grateful they took the time to comment! So here’s a list of things I’ve gained lately:
1. Four pounds of (apparently) muscle
2. The comments and insights of awesome people out there that I don’t even know, but have inspired me daily
3. The ability to ROPE CLIMB!
4. The feeling of complete badassery that accompanied said rope climb
5. The awareness that change happens slowly, but it can, and will happen
I am, as we all are, a work in progress.
photo credit: glamour.com